fear of what I had become
Crawling down the stairs on my hands and knees I wonder how. How am I here? I am seeing double and I hear rustling as if he is looking for something. My mind is racing, we do not have any weapons, is he going to kill me? He already destroyed my self-confidence, my heart, my mind, my sanity, what else did he want to do? I was thinking of everything as if my life were flashing before my eyes, and then I thought of the kids downstairs in the playroom. Will they see me crawling out the door? How could I leave them? I needed to get to safety as my big belly is sliding down each stair one at a time. I am not even in pain and I do not remember if I crawled or ran to my neighbors once I made it out the door. I do know it was the longest 500 yards of my life. When I got to my neighbor’s door, I did not even think about any of that and the words just came pouring out of my mouth as my neighbor looked at me in horror.
“Can you help me please?”
That morning I had received a phone call at my job from him. He literally said the words “I am going to kill you!” He said he was coming to pick me up at work and was extremely serious about how upset he was at something. I had not understood what was going on but then again, it never made sense. What did I do? What was going on? Why is he angry? I was clearly shaken when I went into my boss to tell her I was leaving for the day. She asked me if I was okay, and in a fog…I just said,
“I am not sure.”
He drove into the parking lot and I got in the van. I was so scared. He hit and slammed into almost every car as he backed out of the parking lot. He stopped before the street and told me to drive. As we were driving down the highway; he screamed at me for whatever it was that I did. I just remember the kids in the back seat crying as my head kept hitting the glass window. I just made sure that I looked at the road, so we didn’t crash. I remember seeing the shocked faces of the people driving by me as he had a fistful of hair while I was driving, but I was not shocked.
Later I learned that my boss and a few of the people that were driving down the highway with me had all called the police with my license plate number. They came to my home, yet not at the right time and they were sent away by him. He was so good at hiding the truth. When they came to the door, everything appeared to be okay, so they left. He took out his aggression on me from being upset. He thought that I had lied to him about something that was apparently very serious. The kids were in the playroom and I was upstairs being interrogated.
In that moment, I had become a statistic. In that moment as I was being asked in the hospital if I wanted to press charges…. if I wanted to take pictures…it WAS in that moment while all of this is happening that I looked at my nine-month-pregnant belly which did not get bruised or scratched, but the rest of my body was covered, I realized what I had become. What I had feared most. Tears rolled down my face the entire time, and as I had done so many times, I just sat there silent.
He moved out of the house, of course, but I did what I usually did, even though this was far worse than any of the other previous incidents. In the true, statistical form of a battered woman, I covered up as many of my bruises as I could. I told him he would never see me or the kids again if he did not go get help. Good for me, right? He did call and make an appointment with a psychologist and went to counseling for a year. He never touched me again, but something changed inside of me. That fear changed to self-loathing. I hated me; what I had become.
I never prayed, I never screamed for Jesus. I had become what I never wanted. An insecure, abused, mother that did not stand up for herself. A woman who did not see or treat herself like a daughter of the Highest. I was never this type of person, but had become one.
For I am the Lord your God...You are of great worth in My eyes. You are honored and I love you. (Isaiah 43:3,4, NLV)
For we are God's masterpiece. (Ephesians 2:10, NLT)
...let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. (Hebrews 10:22, NIV)
Anyone who trusts in Him will never be put to shame. (Romans 10:11, NIV)
To be continued.... look for my next blog!
M. Anne Blount
If you or someone you know is experiencing Domestic Violence, please don't hesitate to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at: 1-800-799-7233. If you are unable to speak safely, you can log onto thehotline.org or text LOVEIS to 22522. There is always someone willing to help you and answer questions 24/7. Get help today.
You are not alone!!!!
If you don't know Jesus as your Lord and Savior, please click here: https://www.womenofvalorcollective.com/how-to-know-jesus