fear of what people would say
I heard rustling in the bathroom and water everywhere. He was screaming for me to get up. I was in a panic, as I was wiping the sleep from my eyes, I briefly saw him throwing water on his face frantically, but I ran downstairs still half asleep.
Then I felt it. FEAR.
I saw what appeared to be two silhouettes of two people in my doorway. I didn’t know what to do but I subconsciously knew those two people were not supposed to be in my house, and we were in danger. You could cut the tension with a knife. They were looking at me, I was looking at them but not able to see their faces in the dark. They went in and out of the doorway acting confused.
In front of me was a staff we used to go hiking. We all would carve walking sticks when taking the kids to the state parks. I grabbed it and pushed the two silhouettes out of the doorway onto the porch but at the same time for some reason I couldn’t breathe. I was choking but no one had touched me. I realized I was breathing in something and with a shout I yelled,
"JESUS!"
It’s all I knew to do. I gasped for air and immediately understood that my house was being broken into. The fear subsided as soon as I called on His name! The men were still there however, they had hoodies on and had sprayed pepper spray throughout the kitchen and that was apparently why he was upstairs washing out of his eyes.
I didn’t run to the door to lock it for fear of being attacked so I ran back into the living room and grabbed the phone. Immediately I dialed 911 and didn’t even put the phone to my ear when I saw them run into the house with baseball bats. I screamed for him to come here and as he ran down the stairs, I saw he couldn’t see; it all happened so fast, but the men were rushing us and I could see one was about to swing a bat at his head. I stepped in front of them with that staff and pushed them, the bat hit the wall and then my head. I fell to the ground, not being able to see, he threw whatever he had grabbed on the wall near him at the two men and chased them out of the house.
When I got up he explained someone had rang the doorbell late at night while I was asleep. Thinking the screen door was locked, as it always was, he peered through the screen asking who it was when he was sprayed in the eye. Thinking the screen door was still locked, he ran upstairs to wake me up and wash out his eye. I didn’t know what was going on and ran downstairs in my slumber unbeknownst to him.
The police came but with his “track record” and the circumstances they assumed foul play and not just a home invasion. We didn’t live in the nice area; it was subsidy housing and he was known in the town. He didn’t hang out with professional, upstanding citizens so it was already deduced he had something to do with this. “Drug deal gone wrong”, a “vendetta”, all things I heard as I cried while EMT’s washed my face. I wrote out a statement and had a two-year battle of harassment, fear, and insults to testify and put one of the assailants in prison.
My home was full of fear. I was worried about what people would say; about me, my family. He didn’t work, I did. He was at home, I wasn’t. Always looking for an easy way, my house always had questionable people around. I was fearful of another break in, fearful for my children.
Fear.
Those four letters are so powerful when put together and spoken. The word fare isn’t powerful. The word frae isn’t powerful. Just those four letters in such the right order and when spoken are so powerful.
It will take power away from you. It can cripple you. It can cause more damage than many other powerful words. Anger, Hesitation, Grief, all words that are powerful but really come from Fear.
Change.
Fear is a natural byproduct of change. Every step of my journey, I have been able to pinpoint the fear, that four letter word. I could call it my “f” word really; it was that bad. But you have a choice, you just must consciously choose.
"Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudice and the acceptance of love back into our hearts." - Marianne Williamson
Fear is the absence of love. I never understood this. I thought I was married, loved this man and my children, I had love. I never put my finger on the fear that I lived in every day.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
(I John 4:18, NIV)
That’s a lot to unpack. So often we don’t think we deserve love, never mind a perfect love. I know for me I thought my horrible marriage, my life as I knew it was a punishment. “this is what I get”, “what I deserve”. It’s not the love we think however, it’s only the love of GOD that is important, that can drive out fear.
We must relearn almost what love is because eternal love is different than what we learn. We can’t fathom a love like Gods. He loves us all, where we are. We don’t have to DO anything yet for most of us we consider love with action.
We learn fear as a power over many things. It can direct our life in a positive or negative way. Flight or fight concept if you will.
My fear crippled me. I didn’t have trust, my fear turned into shame. Where was the power in any of that? I had no self-control or power. I was weak, dependent and powerless but all because I sought love from men, not my Creator.
To be continued.... look for my next blog!
M. Anne Blount
If you or someone you know is experiencing Domestic Violence, please don't hesitate to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at: 1-800-799-7233. If you are unable to speak safely, you can log onto thehotline.org or text LOVEIS to 22522. There is always someone willing to help you and answer questions 24/7. Get help today.
You are not alone!!!!
If you don't know Jesus as your Lord and Savior, please click here: https://www.womenofvalorcollective.com/how-to-know-jesus
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